


The Thing That Should Not Be

by Silent_So_Long



Category: Red Dwarf, Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Community: writers_choice, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-09
Updated: 2012-04-09
Packaged: 2017-11-03 08:16:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/379258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silent_So_Long/pseuds/Silent_So_Long
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The crew of the Enterprise are ravaged by Scotty's dinner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Thing That Should Not Be

**Author's Note:**

> This fic borrows a curry monster as featured in an episode of Red Dwarf (S04-E06 - DNA), whereupon Lister’s curry is turned into a monster via the ship’s transmogrifier. After much shenanigans, the outcome is that Lister proclaims lager is the only way to kill a vindaloo. No prior knowledge of said episode is necessary as only the idea of the curry monster is used. 
> 
> written for [writers_choice](http://writers-choice.livejournal.com) and prompt '451: Spice

“What the devil have you got, man?” Leonard asked, scowling down at the bowl of brown mush that passed for a meal that Scotty held between his chilled hands. 

“Have ye never seen curry before, doctor?” Scotty replied, surprise making his accent all the broader. 

“Yeah, I have, but never like that,” Leonard said, with an affronted scowl. “I don’t know why the devil you wanted to buy that stuff. It stinks, it looks horrible and it‘ll probably give you rampant diarrhoea and food poisoning.” 

“You forgot the Andorian shingles. It’s probably rife with that,” Jim chipped in, also staring in disgust at Scotty’s curry. “Not even I would eat that.” 

“No, don’t even attempt to, Jim,” Leonard threatened. “I’ve only got enough hyposprays for Scotty on hand.” 

“I won’t get sick,” Scotty said, defensively. “I’ll have ye know Scotsmen have been eating curry and drinking lager for centuries, often after a football match.” 

“I think you’ll need something stronger than lager to get rid of the taste; neat bourbon would do the trick. You’re also forgetting there ain’t no football here,” Leonard growled, as he turned away. “I don’t know why you can’t just stick with cornbread and grits like normal people do.” 

Jim grimaced at Scotty and watched as the other man shrugged and began tucking in diligently at his curry. The captain had to agree with Leonard that the curry both looked and smelled equally vile. It seemed to mostly consist of brown mushy sauce with indeterminate pieces of meat floating in it, glooped ominously over crisped, over-done rice. Scotty, however, seemed to be enjoying the meal, despite the curry‘s appearance. The smell of spice grew stronger as he dug closer to the bottom of his bowl, face growing more heated and red as he continued to eat. Jim noticed, with growing alarm, that the engineer’s ears were even growing red with the intensity of the spice. He turned to Leonard, intending to point the problem out to the doctor, before Spock’s voice sounded over the Captain’s communicator.

“If we wish to proceed to the Alpha Quadrant post-haste, Captain, then might I suggest you beam aboard?” he asked, and Jim could swear he heard the Vulcan’s eyebrow rising, even over the communicator. 

“Coming right up, Spock,” Jim sighed, turning just in time to witness Scotty returning with a second bowl of odious curry. “Shore leave’s over. Three to beam aboard.” 

Scotty’s hand was still half raised to his mouth when the trio’s atoms were pulled apart, to be reassembled aboard the Enterprise, the familiar clean lines of the transporter room surrounding them instead of an Andorian market-place. Neither Jim nor Leonard noticed that Scotty was no longer holding his curry as the engineer stepped off the platform looking puzzled.

“I’m sure I had a curry just now,” he mumbled under his breath, as he glanced down at himself as though to check for ominous spillages on his clothes. 

He shook his head when he realized his uniform was clean and strode out of the room, still frowning in confusion. Jim and Leonard gave the engineer’s food little thought, too busy discussing the upcoming mission in the Alpha Quadrant to take much interest. To their later dismay, they would all pay for their inattention. 

~~~

Leonard was the first to see it, as he prowled around Sickbay, scowling at patients for daring to be there in his presence. He came to a halt when he came to something that should not be there and had no place in his Sickbay. He blinked, hazel eyes scanning the tall, humanoid form that stood in the doorway, dripping spicy sauce upon the ground. Leonard sniffed and almost gagged upon the smell - it reminded him suddenly of the dubious aromas of Scotty’s earlier, equally dubious excuse of a curry. Suddenly, the being roared, dripping hot splashes of spicy sauce and rice upon the ground as it lunged blindly towards the doctor. 

“What the devil - ?” Leonard asked, as he ducked out of the way. 

He turned, he ran, he ducked, yet still he was unable to shake the curry monster from his tracks. Christine Chapel almost was bowled over by Leonard and curry monster both and she screamed as the doctor all but picked her up and carried her bodily out of the Sickbay.

“Dammit, woman, can’t you see there’s a curry rampant in Sickbay?” he roared in her face.

He didn’t give her a chance to respond, for the monster lurched out of Sickbay, dripping curry sauce and rice all over the corridor floor. Christine leapt out of Leonard’s arms and flattened herself against the wall, smelling the hot scents of turmeric and chilli wafting past her nose when the curry monster zeroed in upon Leonard once more. The doctor fled, long legs pumping and arms outstretched as he did so, yet still he was unable to outrun the curry monster behind him. 

“Such a brave man,” Christine cooed, as she watched Leonard McCoy being chased by Scotty’s dinner. 

Leonard ran all the way to the Bridge, bursting in red-faced and panting to stop in front of Jim. Jim grinned in confusion while Uhura stared curiously at the freshly arrived doctor. Spock merely gave the panting Loenard a perfunctory eyebrow raise while Sulu and Chekov took no notice at all. They were used to Leonard running to Jim, red-faced, angry and breathless, after all.

“Dammit, Jim, I just saw a curry,” Leonard panted out breathlessly into Jim’s curiously grinning face.

“Ah, ye found me dinner. I thought I’d lost that when we beamed aboard,” Scotty said, in delight, as he overheard the doctor. “Well done.” 

“I don’t think you understand, man,” Leonard said, just as the curry monster dripped and blundered its way onto the Bridge.

The curry monster roared and lunged towards Jim, gloopy rice spotted hands reaching for the Captain's throat. Jim reacted immediately, shooting the monster square in its chest with his phaser. Unfortunately that did not seem to work; instead, the heat from the phaser heated the body of the curry monster to greater proportions, microwaving the spicy sauce and rice until it was apoplectic with rage. The monster roared and went on a sudden rampage.

No one noticed that Scotty had disappeared from the Bridge until he’d returned, arms filled with bottles of lager he’d acquired from the nearest replicator. He proceeded to dump the contents of each bottle all over the curry monster, even as it still rampaged around. Eventually, Scotty and his lager won and the monster was reduced to nothing more than a melted puddle of fermented alcohol infused goo upon the floor. He looked around triumphantly, expecting to be praised, yet he was faced by a sea of faces liberally covered with spots of curry sauce and rice. Leonard looked nearly as apoplectic as the curry monster previously had. 

“GODDAMNIT, MAN,” Leonard roared, only mollified by Jim’s hand upon his arm. 

“What did you just do?” Jim asked Scotty, in a calmer tone than Leonard had used. 

“Well, I thought everyone knew that only lager can kill a vindaloo,” Scotty said, with an expansive shrug. “I merely threw a few bottles in the wee beastie’s face, is all.” 

“Good work, mister,” Jim said, firmly, still feeling Leonard shaking with rage beneath his palm. “Any clue as to how that thing came aboard?” 

“My best guess is that Scotty’s meal was affected by the transporter beam when you beamed aboard,” Spock said, calmly, turning a cool gaze upon the grinning engineer. 

“That makes as much sense as anything else, right now,” Jim conceded. “Scotty, you’re banned from eating curry again. If you bring any more aboard or even sniff a curry ever again, you’re going straight in the brig. Understood?”

“Aye, sir,” Scotty replied, immediately. 

“Now, get yourselves cleaned up,” Jim ordered, turning his stern gaze upon the rest of the curry spotted Bridge crew.

That time, the - “Aye, sir!” - was unanimous across the board.


End file.
